I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize