Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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