i permit you to call me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
