I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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