I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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