I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
