I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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