im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
