I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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