Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
