I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
