got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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