i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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