Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
