I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
