So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
