Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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