Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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