My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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