Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
