The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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