Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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