Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
