guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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