I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven