I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
