My boss' voice literally gives me gas
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
