Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
