i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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