I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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