NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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