I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
