I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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