worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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