I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
