Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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