My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
