My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
