fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
