I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
