When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I cannot find my penis.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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