im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
