i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she smelled like a LAN party
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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