I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Everything about him screamed your future.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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