her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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