omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
