I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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