Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
