My cat gives me a boner
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
