I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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