you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
