just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
