I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
