ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize