So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
