I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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